“Alright, listen up, team… Today’s not just any day.
Today… is CHRISTIAN’S BIRTHDAY.”

Now I don’t care what the schedule says. I don’t care that it’s Wednesday, or that Janet from HR still hasn’t refilled the Gatorade cooler. This is game day. This is legacy day. This is the birthday of a man who's about to face more pressure than a fourth-quarter free throw in Game 7.

He’s got a baby coming in November, people! A real one! No simulation. No load management. Sleepless nights, biological blowouts, and the kind of crying that not even Disney+ can soothe.

But does Christian flinch?
NO. HE OPTIMIZES.

He turns to Optimo and says,
"Bring it on. I eat inventory for breakfast."
Bugs. Audits. Real-time data like it’s nothing. The man could rate check an entire country blindfolded while burping a baby and singing “A Whole New World” on perfect pitch.

Let’s talk passion.
Some folks hit Disney World once in a lifetime.
Christian? Annual Pass Holder. Full send. Mouse ears ON.
He walks those parks like a king. Rides Space Mountain like it’s his cardio. Cries at Moana like it's a championship montage.
This isn’t a phase—it’s a lifestyle.

And don’t get me started on the rec league basketball.
You think birthdays slow him down?
This man drops threes like they’re hot potatoes. He sets picks so solid they require zoning permits. Sure, he’s icing his knees between quarters—but he’s also dropping dimes and coaching the bench with one hand while texting his doula with the other.

So what do we do today, team?

We celebrate the only man alive who can balance
fatherhood, Optimo chaos, a Disney obsession, and intramural hoops
without breaking a sweat.

Let’s go out there and win this day for CHRISTIAN.
Because if he can do all that—
then we can sing Happy Birthday like it’s the freakin’ national anthem.

1-2-3— HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
LET’S GOOOOOOO!!! 🔥🔥🔥

Hey Jon. It's Troy Aikman. I know you have always hated the Cowboys and have made numerous jokes about my sexuality. But today, it's not about me.... Happy Birthday, enjoy the colonoscopy now that you are 45,  asshole! 

Fuck the San francisco 49ers. Bunch of gay boys that literally suck

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