Hey Nathan it's Troy Aikman, former Dallas Cowboys quarterback. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, on behalf of everyone here at the Cowboys, we think you'd be a great pick to replace Jerry in the draft room when he passes. Wait, you thought I would forget a gift for you on your birthday? Check your steam account, happy birthday!

So, who should Jerry hire as coach? Doesn’t matter. Hire a Bellichick, a magician, or even Harry fuckin Potter.  
I mean..The guy has signed more non disclosure agreements with street meat and illegitimate daughters than he has free agents the last 15 years. 
Now..speaking of hookers…The Jerry I knew in the 90s could keep up with the play maker doing blow and bangin hoes Monday thru Saturday and still come back on Sundays to choke out the national fuckin football league like Zeke at his absolute peak. 
These days, Every decision he makes? It’s like watching someone try to assemble IKEA furniture with no instructions—except instead of a bookshelf, it’s the God Damn Dallas Cowboys roster.
Now, the other question.. can you still win a Super Bowl with Jerry as the boss?
Well let me ask you this.
Can you track down Doc Brown and Marty McFly, steal some plutonium from the Libyans, successfully invent and install a flux capacitor, and hit 88 miles per hour?  
If you can do that…then  you take your ass back to 1989, draft me, then bring me back to the present. 
Then? You bet your ass we could win. Otherwise? Don’t hold your breath."
One other thing.  Fuck skip Bayless.  Write a book about me being gay? Makes me wish I was gay so I could abduct you and and play a little game I like to call bring out the gimp.   But anyway, Bitch, your Mom’s gay. Go cowboys. 


So, who should Jerry hire as coach? Doesn’t matter. Hire a genius, a magician, or even Harry fuckin Potter.  
I mean..The guy has signed more non disclosure agreements with street meat and illegitimate daughters than he has free agents the last 15 years. 
Now..speaking of hookers…The Jerry I knew could keep up with the play maker doing blow and bangin hoes Monday thru Saturday and still come back on Sundays to choke out the national fuckin football league like he was Jesus Christ in shoulder pads.  
These days, Every decision he makes? It’s like watching someone try to assemble IKEA furniture with no instructions—except instead of a bookshelf, it’s the God Damn Dallas Cowboys roster.
Now, the other question.. can you still win a Super Bowl with Jerry as the boss?
Well let me ask you this.
Can you track down Doc Brown and Marty McFly, steal some plutonium from the Libyans, fire up the DeLorean, and hit 88 miles per hour?  
If you can do that…then  you take your ass back to 1989, draft me, then bring me back to the present. 
Then? You bet your ass we could win. Otherwise? Don’t hold your breath."
One other thing.  Fuck skip Bayless.  Write a book about me being gay? Makes me wish I was so I could abduct you and and play a little game I like to call bring out the gimp.   But anyway Bitch, your Mom’s gay. Go cowboys. 


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