Ah yes... Eli. The so-called “goaltender” they keep talking about. I have seen pillows with more reflexes than this boy.

This is not hockey! This is interpretive ice dancing… performed by a frightened goat wearing goalie pads.

One time, I saw Eli try to make a glove save... he missed so badly, I thought he was swatting a mosquito in slow motion. Bravo!

And when he tries to play the puck behind the net—how do you say?—disaster. I have seen camels with better puck-handling skills... and they don’t even have hands!

But do not worry, Eli. In Wadiya, we would still make you the starting goalie—for the under-5 beginner league. Against blindfolded players. On sand.

Yet, I must admit... he does have one amazing skill: looking good while letting in goals. He is very photogenic in defeat. A true hero... to the other team!

So Eli, keep trying. Someday, you might actually stop a puck. And when that day comes... we will declare it a national holiday in Wadiya!

Long live me. Long live Wadiya. And Eli... maybe try soccer?

Adam Sandler

Ruby gillman 

General Aladeen AI Voice

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