Hi everyone… it’s Tanya.

I heard you’re all heading to this White Lotus weekend retreat for Rick’s 40th birthday. Forty. Wow. That’s a milestone. Like… a really big one. I wish I could be there, I really do. But unfortunately, I’ve recently developed this… um… very specific fear of boats. Yeah. Boats just freak me out now. It’s tragic. One day you’re sipping champagne on a yacht, and the next—bam—a seagull gives you the side eye and suddenly you can’t even look at a paddleboard.

Anyway, don’t let my trauma ruin your fun. I have a few important reminders for all of you.

First, make sure you fill out that last survey. Seriously. Don’t be that person holding up the whole party because you didn’t say if you’re gluten-free.

Second, read through the welcome packet. Like… actually read it. Not just a quick skim while you’re scrolling Instagram. There’s a lot of useful stuff in there about schedules, spa times, maybe even warnings about… I don’t know… rogue cabana boys.

And if anything’s changed—your plans, your roommate, your emotional state—email the team immediately. The staff is standing by in their fabulous linen uniforms ready to help.

Management can’t wait to welcome you starting next Friday at Pier 60 in Chelsea Piers. Be there on time. Or you might get left behind… and trust me, I know how that feels.

Anyway… have the best time. I’ll just be here… on dry land… googling if you can get seasick from a bubble bath.

Bye… bye…

*“Oh… hi everyone. It’s me… Tanya. sighs dramatically

So, I heard you’re all heading off to this very exclusive White Lotus weekend for Rick’s 40th birthday. leans closer, whispers Forty. That’s… that’s a big one. Like… it’s almost spiritual.

I wish—voice cracks slightly—I wish I could be there with you. But unfortunately, I’ve recently developed this… um… very rare, very specific phobia. stares off wistfully Boats. Yeah. Boats now terrify me. It’s tragic really. One minute you’re sipping champagne on the Lido deck, and the next—BAM—a seagull gives you a dirty look and it all goes downhill. shudders

Anyway… I don’t want my trauma to ruin your fun. So listen up, because I’m like… the messenger from the heavens.

📋 First of all—fill out that last survey if you haven’t already. Like, right now. Rick and the White Lotus staff need to know your… dietary restrictions, secret talents… whatever.

📖 Second—read the welcome packet. wide eyes I mean really read it. Don’t just skim while scrolling Instagram. There are important things in there like schedules, spa info, and probably warnings about stingrays or loose cabana boys.

📧 And if anything has changed—your plans, your roommate, your personality—email the team immediately. They’re standing by in crisp linen uniforms waiting for your questions.

The management is so excited to welcome you all starting next Friday at Pier 60 in Chelsea Piers. That’s so chic. Be there on time. Or else… you know, they’ll probably leave without you.

Anyway… long dramatic sigh have fun without me. I’ll just be here… on dry land… googling ‘Can you get seasick from a bathtub?’”

waves slowly with sad eyes
“Bye… bye…”



Jennifer Coolidge as Tanya in the White Lotus 

Denis Leary

Jennifer Coolidge as Tanya AI

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