Right, so there’s this lass named Taylor.

Taylor ain’t no dainty princess. Hell no.

She’s 205 pounds of raw, unfiltered sass and muscle. Built like a brick shithouse with a heart of gold and a right hook that could dislocate a fookin’ planet.

Imagine if a tank and a meatloaf had a baby and taught it how to fight drunk uncles behind an Arby’s. That’s Taylor.

She got thighs that could pop watermelons. Arms like Popeye if he only ate Hot Pockets and spite.

⸻

🟨 CHAPTER 2: WHO THE FOOK IS CHRIS SLAYBACK

Now enter Chris Slayback.

A wee lad. Like, wee. Not just short — we’re talkin’ Funko Pop with rage issues.

He’s got the body of a boiled chicken nugget and the ego of a frat bro who’s done half a push-up.

Walks around shirtless in winter like he’s fookin’ Wolverine, flexin’ his little Vienna sausage arms and tellin’ people he “used to train MMA.” The only thing he’s trained is his mouth to run faster than his legs.

Swears he’s 5’3”. He ain’t. He’s 2 shoe lifts and a lie.

⸻

🧻 CHAPTER 3: THE BATHROOM BEATDOWN

First time I saw Taylor and Chris clash was at a Chuck E. Cheese, right?

Chris had just won 12 tickets and was feelin’ like a king. He strutted over to Taylor, who was eatin’ chicken tenders like a goddess of war.

He looks up — and I do mean up — and says, “Hey Bigfoot, wanna arm wrestle?”

Taylor. Smiles.

But not a sweet smile.

No, the kind of smile that says “I’m gonna rearrange your spine like IKEA furniture.”

She grabs his tiny hand, slams it down so hard the arcade machine goes offline, and then calmly goes back to her dipping sauce like nothin’ happened.

Chris screamed like someone just deleted his Fortnite account.

⸻

🛒 CHAPTER 4: WALMART CAGE MATCH

Second time?

Walmart. 2 a.m. Fluorescent lights. Vibes are feral.

Taylor’s there, buyin’ cat litter and beef jerky like a damn queen. Chris rides in on a mobility scooter, but not ‘cause he needs it — he just thinks it makes him look “alpha.”

He’s got a pool noodle taped to a broomstick and yells, “PREPARE FOR COMBAT, BEAST WOMAN!”

Taylor doesn’t even flinch.

She grabs a 24-pack of Dr Pepper and full-body yeets it at him.

Direct hit.

Chris spins out, crashes into a rack of patriotic flip-flops, and lets out a noise that sounds like a balloon givin’ up on life.

⸻

🦴 CHAPTER 5: SLAYBACK’S REVENGE (SORT OF)

Now Chris… he don’t learn. His brain’s made of unbuttered toast and Monster Energy.

So he challenges Taylor to a “duel” at the county fair.

This time he brings his cousin Cletus, who’s just a fatter, equally dumb version of himself. Together they look like two boiled eggs with tattoos.

They rush her.

Taylor farts, adjusts her Crocs, and then roundhouse kicks Cletus so hard he lands in the goddamn funnel cake booth.

Chris tries to escape in a bounce house.

Taylor jumps in after him.

For 7 minutes, all you hear is squeaking, screaming, and one kid cryin’ ‘cause his balloon popped.

She exits the bounce house calm as a monk.

Chris? Needs a chiropractor, two Tylenol, and a hug from Jesus.

⸻

🪓 CHAPTER 6: THE FINAL SMACKDOWN

One day, they’re BOTH on this low-budget reality show called “Ohio’s Got Beef.”

Chris comes out with his shirt painted on, flexin’ like a knockoff G.I. Joe. Crowd booing. Even the camera guy sighs.

Taylor walks out holdin’ a turkey leg and a folding chair.

Chris swings a foam sword. Taylor just LAUGHS. Picks him up like a bowling ball and BAM! WWE powerbombs him through the judge’s table.

The crowd erupts. An old lady faints. A goat in the background screams.

And I swear on Donkey’s left hoof, someone yells:

“TAYLOR FOR PRESIDENT!”

⸻

🧅 EPILOGUE: SHREK’S CLOSING THOUGHTS

Chris now runs a YouTube channel called “Slayback Fitness”, where he does push-ups on soup cans and cries off camera.

Taylor?

She’s a legend.

She’s out there, somewhere in the heartland, bench pressing minivans and eatin’ Slim Jims like communion wafers.

And if Chris ever opens his wee little gob again?

She’ll be there.

With the chair.

And the thunder.


You've reached Jak at Jefferson family properties, Im currently with another client or it is after hours. Please leave a detailed voicemail or text message including your name, contact phone number, and location. Thank you for choosing Jefferson Family Properties, Have a great day.

good afternoon you fucking donkeys. The commissioner table got a lot of bitching so we had to make some switches simple switches, kind of like when I took that butt plug out of your mother‘s ass so basically Kansas State got fucked so we’re switching them into the SEC and moving Missouri to the Big 12 and since Colorado thinks they got a girthy cock they’ll go into the A.C.C and Georgia Tech will got the shit 12… i mean Big 12. Fuck you goodnight.

It's a Mike Meyer voice with a Scottish accent. Shrek AI Voice and Video Generator. Best sounding Text to Speech for celebrities.

Shrek AI Voice

It's a Mike Meyer voice with a Scottish accent. Shrek AI Voice and Video Generator. Best sounding Text to Speech for celebrities.

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