I just wanna take a second to talk about a guy that didnt make the playoffs .... PATRICK MAHOMES. Now, I know his ship has sailed for this bracket, Al, but look at the tape! We are talking about the Captain of Captains here. You can try to send him to Davy Jones' locker with the blitz, you can try to board the ship, and he just... spins out of it! I mean, the way he changes his arm angle? It’s like he’s firing a cannon from a dinghy in the middle of a hurricane and hitting the bullseye every single time. He doesn't need a compass, he doesn't need a map... he just finds the open water. Even when he's watching from the dock, he is still the most dangerous pirate on the seven seas. Unbelievable.

Back to the playoffs....



Al, I’ll tell you what... there is nothing—and I mean nothing—quite like the fantasy football playoffs. The tension, the strategy, the sheer heartbreak. And looking at this bracket? Shiver me timbers, Al. We have got some absolute heavyweights ready to walk the plank this week. Let’s dive into these quarterfinal matchups.

Now here’s a guy... Jolly Roger Goodell is rolling out Josh Allen, and honestly, Al, he runs the football like a cannonball shot out of a 19th-century frigate. He is just punishing defenders. But then you look across the starboard side at Marrrrrrrrgeezy... and they’ve got Lamar Jackson. I mean, trying to tackle Lamar in the open field is like trying to catch a ghost ship in the fog. He sees things before they happen. This is a battle of the elite quarterbacks, Al. Whoever keeps their head above water at the QB position takes this treasure chest.

Now, this is fascinating. You look at Sail Mary... sneaking in as the 7th seed, battling the currents. They need a miracle, and who better to deliver it than Ja’Marr Chase? When he gets the ball in his hands, Al, he accelerates like he’s got the wind at his back. Unbelievable play speed. But they’re running straight into a juggernaut in Golden Booty. Look at this roster. They’ve got Saquon Barkley. I mean, look at the quads on this guy! He cuts, he pivots, he explodes through the hole... he is the anchor of this team. Golden Booty has been hoarding points all season, and they aren't about to give up the loot now.

Al, you look at the 1st seed, Cap’n Dak, and you have to appreciate the commitment to the brand. They are riding and dying with their namesake, Dak Prescott. When Dak is in rhythm, sitting back in that pocket, he is surgical. He’s the Admiral of the fleet right now. But here comes the 8th seed, Walk the Zaynk. Do not... I repeat, do not count them out. They’ve got Puka Nacua, who has been arguably the best waiver wire plunder of the year. The kid plays angry, he plays fast, and he catches everything. If Cap’n Dak gets complacent, Puka is going to make them walk the plank right out of the playoffs.

And finally, the classic 4-versus-5 matchup. This is going to be a dogfight in the galley, Al. Pirate of the prairies is looking at Joe Burrow. Now, I know he’s had some ups and downs, but when the lights are brightest, Joey B is as cool as the other side of the pillow. He is a sharpshooter. He’s going up against Skol & Crossbones, who are navigating some rough seas with that roster, but they’ve still got Davante Adams. You can double him, you can bracket him, you can send the whole Navy after him... it doesn’t matter. He finds a way to get open. This one? This one is going down to the final doubloon, Al. I can’t wait to watch it.

Hoist the colors, Al. The playoffs are here.

HOLY FUCK NICK WINS IT! LOGANS ASSHOLE IS AN ALL YOU CAN FUCK BUFFET, AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, NICK IS NOT GOING TO BE WEARING A CONDOM TONIGHT, HES GONNA GO IN RAW AS SHIT AND COMPLETELY TEAR THAT ASS UP

CRIS COLLINSWORTHAI

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