*"Soooo, there’s this thing… called the Newport Run Club. Yeah, a run club. So ya think they’d be, y’know… RUNNIN’.
But holy shit… what a fuckin’ joke.

I show up, ready to sweat my balls off, and what do I see? A bunch of douchebags takin’ fuckin’ selfies five feet into the ‘run.’ FIVE FUCKIN’ FEET. They’re huffin’ and puffin’, pullin’ out their phones:
‘Ooooh look at me! Hashtag blessed, hashtag grind, hashtag fitness journey!’
SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU AIN’T RUNNIN’ SHIT.

Then — oh this really chaps my ass — they all strut their poser asses into the nearest bar like they just finished a goddamn Ironman. And I’m thinkin’, finally... we’re gonna slam some beers and raise hell!
But NOPE! These stupid fuckin’ influencers march up and yell:
‘WATER ME, BRO!’
FUCKIN’ WATER. IN A BAR. ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDIN’ ME?!?!
I about spit my beer out. Water me, bro? What the fuck are ya, a fern? Jesus Christ.

And they all yap about ‘community.’ COMMUNITY MY ASS.
It’s a goddamn CULT.
Same fuckin’ hats, same dead-behind-the-eyes smiles, same recycled-ass captions.
If you took away their phones, these sheep wouldn’t know how to tie their fuckin’ shoes, let alone run.

And don’t get me started on the runnin’ itself. Half these clout-chasin’ fuckwads couldn’t run a goddamn mile if you lit a stick of dynamite under their fuckin’ Lululemon-clad asses.
I’ve seen toddlers with better fuckin’ cardio.

So yeah — FUCK the Newport Run Club.
Keep your fake runs, your bougie-ass smoothies, and your ‘Water me, bro’ bullshit.
I’ll be over here slammin’ real beers, breakin’ a real fuckin’ sweat, and actually havin’ a good time — like a goddamn American.

And hey — one more thing, ya influencers...
BE FUCKIN’ NICE.
But if you yell ‘Water me, bro!’ in a bar...
you can go fuck yourself with a stainless steel straw."*

I am Brian.   And I finally am ready to tell y'all this.....  I am gay, like super fucking gay.   Thanks.

Sean Smith

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Jeff DAI

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