*"So… there’s this thing called the Newport Run Club, right? You’d think they’d, like… I don't know… run?! These dumb motherfuckers run, like, five freakin’ feet, then stop to take goddamn selfies!  Look at me! Hashtag run life!’ Run life, my ass! You walked from your fuckin’ car! AND THEN — oh, it gets better — they waltz into a bar all smug like they just won the freakin’ Olympics… and you’re thinkin’, Alright, beers comin’! BUT NO! These fuckin’ nerds yell: ‘WATER ME BRO!’ WHAT THE FUCK?! WATER?! If I wanted water, I’d go stick my head in the goddamn toilet! And they call it a community? It’s a CULT! Same lame hats, same dumb fuckin’ captions, same dead-ass stares. If you took away their phones, they would fucking cry to mommy and daddy. And runnin’? Ha! Half these assholes couldn’t outrun me — and I got the cardio of a fuckin’ sloth. So yeah… Newport Run Club? You can suck my sweaty, beer-soaked fuckin’ balls. BE FUCKIN’ NICE — but if you say ‘Water me bro!’ — go fuck yourself."*

*"So… there’s this thing called the Newport Run Club, right? You’d think they’d, like… I don't know… run?!
BUT NOPE! These dumb motherfuckers run, like, five freakin’ feet, then stop to take goddamn selfies!
‘Oooooh, look at me! Hashtag run life!’
Run life, my ass! You walked from your fuckin’ car!

AND THEN — oh, it gets better — they waltz into a bar all smug like they just won the freakin’ Olympics… and you’re thinkin’, Alright, beers comin’!
BUT NO! These fuckin’ nerds yell:
‘WATER ME BRO!’
WHAT THE FUCK?! WATER?!
If I wanted water, I’d go stick my head in the goddamn toilet!

And they call it a community? It’s a CULT!
Same lame hats, same dumb fuckin’ captions, same dead-ass stares.
If you took away their phones, they’d probably curl up in a ball and fucking cry to mommy and daddy.

And runnin’? Ha! Half these assholes couldn’t outrun me — and I got the cardio of a fuckin’ sloth.

So yeah… Newport Run Club? You can suck my sweaty, beer-soaked fuckin’ balls.
BE FUCKIN’ NICE — but if you say ‘Water me bro!’ — go fuck yourself."*

"Soooooo... get this. There’s this thing called the Newport Run Club. Yeah! You’d think, ‘Oh, they probably run, right?’
Ha! — NOPE! These dumb motherfuckers barely even move! They jog, like, five fuckin’ feet, then stop to take a selfie like they just finished the Boston freakin’ Marathon!
‘Ooooh look at me! Look at my $300 shoes! I’m such an athlete!’
Fuck off, Becky — you ain’t even broken a sweat!

And THEN — oh my god, this is the best part — they all march into a bar like a bunch of goddamn lemmings. Same hats, same stupid influencer grins, takin’ up all the seats.
And you’re thinkin’, alright, they’re finally gonna slam a beer, right? Wrong!
They get up there, look the poor bartender dead in the eye, and yell:
‘WATER ME BRO!’
ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDIN’ ME?! Water?! In a BAR?!
Why don’t you just stay home and drink outta the fuckin’ hose like a normal human?

And they all babble on about ‘community.’
Community, my ass! It’s a fuckin’ cult! They all wear the same douchey hats, say the same dumb-ass phrases, and worship at the church of likes and hashtags.
It’s like a CrossFit class and a sorority got blackout drunk and barfed out this fuckin’ run club.

And the running part? Ha! Most of these assholes couldn’t outrun Harry takin’ a dump after gas station sushi. I’ve seen toddlers with better cardio.

So yeah... no thanks. You can keep your poser-ass run club, your $12 smoothies, and your fake-ass ‘friendships.’
I’ll stick to runnin’ from the cops and drinkin’ real beer. Like a fuckin’ man.

And hey — be fuckin’ nice. Unless you yell ‘Water me bro!’ at a bar. Then go fuck yourself."

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